A Pirate Meeting

The movie is coming out July 7. I haven't seen the movie. But so far I have a sweatshirt, a talking parrot, a book (complete with a viewmaster telescope), and action figures. I'm even reading Sabrina Jeffries's The Pirate Lord to fill in the days. Which I like. What good fun. No, wait, I REALLY like this book. (Query: is it the book itself, or the fact that it fills my current need for all things piratical?) But what new obession is this anyway? Pirates? Didn't I leave behind reading Pirate novels about fifteen years ago, along with Vikings?

Stands up with hands behind her back, head slightly bowed

Hello. My name is Suisan, and I am a pirateholic.

Chorus: Hello, Suisan.

I thought I had left pirates, vikings, and noblemen-pretending-to-be-highwaymen behind a few years ago. But now I can't stop thinking about them. Pirates, I mean. The Vikings and the Highwaymen are off bothering someone else.

I'd like to blame Johnny Depp for this, but I have to accept responsibility for my own weaknesses. But Johnny brought this whole thing back. I'm a little angry at him, well, at least at Jerry Bruckheimer for casting him in a pirate movie. But I think I need to blame Johnny for being a great hero.

I started dreaming about masked heroes when I was really little, but I wasn't a pirateholic then. My aunt had a thing for Robin Hood, and she used to sing me ballads about him and Will Scarlet when I was really small, about six or so. She had a very rich, warbling voice, and I always felt soothed by her singing. After that, just reading a Robin Hood book could bring that warmth back.

But then Robin Hood got sort of stale. And Maid Marian really got on my nerves, although I think I didn't notice it then. Then my aunt corrupted me. It was like bringing scotch to a drunkard. She introduced me to Zorro. I inhaled him.

From there we both went on binges together. All night sessions of black and white cowboy movies, Zorro films, pirate serials, followed by day-long discussions of privateer routes through war zones. The hangovers were terrible.

We'd stumble out into the light, squinting our eyes against the natural, fierce sun, and try to find something to eat. Usually my aunt didn't have too much food in the house, except for layer cake. (Yeah. I know. Great role model.) So we'd hit Dairy Queen for chili dogs and start over. We were a terrible pair, not responsible for anything, turning away from friends and family just to get one more fix.

Years later, I weaned myself from pirates by the simple fact that I didn't have the VHS tapes. Zorro lost his edge somehow, although I could dip into The Scarlet Pimpernel if I needed a fix. I could control that a little better. It didn't slide over into a full pirateholic binge.

When I started reading Romances, I soon stumbled across Pirate heroes. Oh, help me. Read as many as I could. But, you know, a lot of them weren't Reeeeally pirates. A lot of them were just noblemen who were independently wealthy and sailed around with a strange crew. Same with highwaymen. But I can't pretend that I didn't get a little buzz--you just had to read more of them.

I turned away from pirate romances pretty quickly and never looked back. A decision which was confirmed after recently re-reading Johanna Lindsay's Gentle Rogue and Guardian Angel. Supposedly they feature a pirate-hero, but , wink, wink, nudge, nudge, he's not REALLY that piratical. Well, the girl-pirate thing is a buzz-killer anyway.

Then Dear Butcher brought home a DVD of the Pirates of the Caribbean. I drank. I enjoyed. I got drunk. But soon I sobered up and moved on.

But somehow, the anticipation of seeing the new movie has sent me right over the edge. I can't stop playing the preview in my head. I'm making myself crazy. I'm buying silly stuff. I'm reading Pirate Romances (well, at least one).

What I need to say is that I recognize that I am powerless over pirates and that my life has become unmanageable. Sigh. I need to recognize that I have to build myself back up to being a functional, responsible, and rational adult by overcoming my need for pirate stories, song, books, films, and merchandise. I need to work the program. I am a pirateholic. Thank you.

Chorus: Thank you, Suisan.

Edited to add Just because I can't help myself: