Love you too, Mom.

I've never posted an email before, but this I couldn't resist.

After numerous notes back and forth with my dearest mother, explaining summer travels, camp options, and financial needs, my mother tells me that what she really wants to get for me is a contract with the local "Merry Maids" service. Please can I send her their phone number?

So I do a web search, find their contact information and include a link in yet another email wherein I talk about this camp, this number of weeks, this is what will happen in August, and by the way, here's the contact info for Merry Maids.

Her response:

What will be the cost for the camps, and what will be the cost for Neo's round-trip plane trip?

I will try to find Merry Maids in Benicia. What is their telephone number?

Also, so that a lot of money is not wasted, could you promise me that before they come for the first time you will bundle up all the trash and take it out so that they can clean the house. The kids should pick up their own bedrooms. It would really be good for them to pick up the junk.

Thanks! Love, Mom

What is it about my mother that makes my blood boil?

Yes, she is expressing interest in the costs of the camps (which indicates that she might just see her way clear to paying for some portion of same), and she is definitely signalling that she wants to pay for Neo's plane (because she included the phrase "round-trip" which means that she'll pay for Neo even when she's traveling with That Other Grandmother).

But, here we go, she did not Click On The Link I Sent Her. The one with the telephone number.

And then we have to segue into trash collection. I do actually take out the trash. I do. Not every fifteen minutes, like some people, but I do manage to fill the outside bin to almost overflowing every week, not including recycling.

But, I need her to pay for some of this stuff, so, even though I'm forty (well, I'll be forty in a few weeks), I swallow down that ridiculous need to defend myself to her regarding household management, supervision of employees, and trash collection. Do wonder why she's focused on trash this time, rather than laundry. Wonder what it will be next time her blurry Eye of Sauron swivels in my direction.

And you know what? It would be good if my children could throw away some junk. It would be good for all children, everywhere in America to throw away crap that they do not need. But um, they do pick up their bedrooms. Neo's is spotless, Son's is a disaster (just the way he likes it), and little girl's room is clean but with a dusting of laundry spread evenly across the floor. As soon as you can convince them that their stuff is junk, rather than personal possessions, let me know. In the meantime, can we discuss the bird crap decorating your furniture, courtesy of your parrot minions? Or perhaps the *hundreds* of dolls you display in every room? One man's treasure...

Speaking of which. I have GOT to go see this pirate movie. Need a break. Really.