Saturday, September 23, 2006

Sending Flowers

Every Valentine's Day, I expect to get flowers. It's very female of me, I suppose, but I have to confess that the flower delivery has nothing to do with romance. In fact, the roses I receive every Valentine's Day really annoy the hell out of Dear Butcher.

Every since I was fourteen, and started boarding school, my mother has sent me roses on Valentine's Day. I used to be very confused about this, but now I get it.

Step 1) Receive flowers.

Step 2) Call Mom to thank her.

Step 3) This is the important part: Mom says, "Did you know that your father and I had our first date on Valentine's Day?"


"Well, I though maybe you forgot. You didn't call."

See, I'm supposed to call her on the day of her first date with my Dad and, what, congratulate her? I don't get it--I think the celebration of her first date with my Dad might be something she would like to celebrate with, Oh, I dunno, MY DAD!?! So since she doesn't think I'll call on Valentine's Day, she sends me flowers so that I'll have to call to thank her, and then she's made me call her, and all is right with the world. She used to send me flowers on her wedding anniversary too, so that I would call, etc. Somehow she's stopped with the anniversary flowers, but on Valentine's Day, the flowers still come. Dear Butcher is beginning to laugh it off, but only barely.

OK, so last week was my mother's birthday. My Palm kept blinking at me to do something about it, so I sent her flowers along with birthday wishes from the kids and me--scheduled to arrive the day before her birthday so that she was assured of getting them. I also sent flowers to Dear Butcher's mom to celebrate Rosh Hashanah.

Dear Butcher's mom calls. "What a lovely surprise! Thank you so much! How is everyone?" Lovely conversation.

My Mom calls: "I got home from the hospital and there were such lovely flowers waiting for me. How thoughtful."


"Yes. I finally had the surgery."

(Suisan's thinking, "Eh?")

"The doctor's wouldn't let me go home until I had urinated. They said it was really important..." OK, so at this point she goes off on some long tale about the recovery room, the way the surgery table was just so hard, etc. I still don't have a clue what surgery she's talking about, but hey, she's glad that I'm so thoughtful. I make some comment about the surgery being a hell of a birthday present. She laughs. I wish her Happy Birthday.

Next morning. Phone rings.

"Hi Dear!"

"Hi Mom."

"Well, it's my birthday! Did you forget?"

Long silence as I try to figure out what to say....

"Uh. Mom? I sent you flowers."

"Oh...Umm...I though those were for the surgery."

"Well, you know, I really sent them for your birthday. But they came early, and uh, I can see how maybe that was confusing...but there was a card."

"I called you, because, you know, you didn't call."

"But I sent flowers." God Damn It. I sent you Fifty Bucks worth of flowers. We talked last night. She's trying to guilt me because I didn't call her? Fifty Bucks, dammit.

So if I had sent her flowers for the surgery, and talked to her, and wished her a Happy Birthday, all on the day before her birthday, I still need to call her ON her birthday?

If I had sent her flowers for her birthday, but they arrived the day before, then I still need to call her ON her birthday, flowers or no flowers? But then she tries to guilt me for not sending her a gift.

OK, no more flowers.

Well, I'll keep sending them to Dear Butcher's mom. She loved them.

And I think I'll send some to me. I could use some irises on my desk.


Doug Hoffman said...

My mom is like that about her anniversary. Why should I remember my parents' anniversary? It makes little sense to me.

I'm wondering what I should get myself for my birthday. Anything I can think of that I really want will get me into hot water, though. Serious hot water.

Mailyn said...

LMAO. Your mom is too funny. SO she expects you to congratulate her on her first date? Maybe you should do the same. LMAO.

Suisan said...

Yeah, Doug. I'm not getting it. Isn't it HER anniversary? THEIR day? All about THEIR marriage?

Really don't understand this. I must be missing a synapse.

And Mailyn, uh yeah. She's a hoot. I'm having a little trouble laughing about it right now. She touched a nerve.

Maybe I should get her to call me on the day when Dear Butcher first suggested some "naughty sex act" of which I'm sure she wouldn't approve. Or maybe on the day when we first DID the "naughty sex act" she wouldn't approve of. Yeah. That's the better idea.

Now I just have to think of a date. (hee)

CindyS said...

Now, see, you're probably missing the point - they are getting you to remember their anniversaries because *you* were the reason they married as they did ;) Thus, they will blame you for eternity.

Bob's Mom is very much like this. She's 82 and you better call her the day of her birthday, her anniversary, New Year's at midnight cause she stays up but I didn't know that for the first few years and I guess she was telling everyone how we wouldn't call. We called during New Year's Day but apparently that doesn't count. So, totally feel you on the 'call the day of' thing.


Kristie (J) said...

LOL - you can't win for trying can you? When we would go out for dinner on our anniversary, Ron would want the boys to come along too. I always said "why????? They weren't there when we met. What has our anniversary to do with them???" The boys never came :)

Suisan said...

Cindy--I guess calling ON THE DAY is really important to some people, but I'm still not getting it. What about mailing a card--it gets there early. Christmas cards are all supposed to arrive ON Christmas? Then you're supposed to call too? shaking my head.

Kristie--Nope. Can't win for trying. And I'm trying, which in and of itself is something.

Anonymous said...

Dude, your mom is whacked. Seriously. And I know from whacked moms.

You could really piss her off and just send an e-card. With e-flowers on it. And a personalized message that just says "Happy Birthday. ~me" Worked for me this year, and I set it to send for the next 10 years too. Voila - done.

Suisan said...

10 year long e-card.

That's funny. And cold. But really funny.

(Wondering if my mother would notice after three or four years that it was exactly the same card. Evil laugh.)

Megan Frampton said...


Oh, this definitely strikes a nerve: My MIL got married ON HER BIRTHDAY, so my Spouse takes her out. Not her husband (with whom she has a snappish detente), but MY husband.

And she wanted us all to go out on Scott and my anniversary this past weekend. All. Of. Us.


So, yeah, I feel your pain.

Toni Lea Andrews said...

Instead of trying to select the right occassion, sign up for one of those services that sends your mother flowers every week. It could be pricey, but based on your relationship (*grin*) I think it could be worth it!

BTW, did you ever find out what kind of surgery it was?

Suisan said...

Surgery to correct urinary incontinence. I know much more about my mother's urethra and pelvic tilt than I ever wanted to know. Really.