That meme that went around earlier in the month.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5:30 am

2. Diamonds or Pearls? Pearls. Can't say I much like diamonds. But I do enjoy polished stones: Lapis Lazuli, Carnelian, Jade, Jasper. If you're looking for a "rock" to buy me, then it should be a garnet or a sapphire.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? The Departed

4. What is your favorite TV show? House (but they're running out of crises), Top Design, Project Runway, and Top Chef. The Actor's Studio, and any of the "Cold Case Files" true crime shows.

5. What did you have for breakfast? Coffee and a corn muffin

6. What is your middle name? Lynda.

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Indian. Or Turkish. Or Persian. Umm--I need to pick one?

8. What foods do you dislike? Cauliflower--squeeky. ::Shudder:: Various fish and seafood which doesn't have the right texture (skate leaps to mind). Cooked salmon (I keep expecting it to taste like smoked Nova Lox. Duh.) Bluefish (God we ate so much bluefish when I was a kid. Hated it then, despise it now.)

9. Your favorite Potato chip? Salt and Vinegar.

10. What cd have you been listening to lately? Ummm. Mostly the radio.

11. What kind of car do you drive? Honda Odyssey

12. Favorite sandwich? Hummus with lettuce, tomato, sprouts, and anything else that's crunchy. Shawarma with labnah, sumac zaatar and pickles. (Someone in my grandfather's family was named Zahatar--always thought that was a neat name.)

13. What characteristics do you despise? Prideful ignorance. (Stephen Colbert picks at this well. "I don't need to know anything; I can tell in my gut what should be true." Hate that.)

14. What are your favorite clothes? Large sweaters. Flannel lined jeans. Loafers with no socks. Either that or nothing on the body, but wrapped in a soft quilt.

15. If you would go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
Right now? I think I'd take a trip back to Massachusetts. Visit the farm. Ride a horse. Anywhere in the world? Ummm. Wouldn't mind a condo on the beach in Maui--but I'd have to be by myself, thank you.

16. Favorite brand of clothing? You're kidding. BRAND? Whatever fits and is on sale.

17. Where would you want to retire? Somewhere quiet. Somewhere where it snows but it doesn't stay so cold that I get miserable. Somewhere where I can visit the ocean every once in a while, or at least drive by it. Somewhere where I can have pets (nursing homes worry me).

18. Favorite time of day? Really early in the morning, but it's hard to drag myself out of bed these days.

19. Where were you born? Love that Dirty Water, Boston, you're my home. Fruuuus-trated women! Have to be in by twelve o'clock. (Why did a band from LA ever write this song anyway?)

20. What is your favorite sport to watch? Dressage competitions (Come on, what did you THINK I was going to say?)

21. Who do you think will not send this back? NA

22. Person you expect to send it back first? NA

23. Pepsi or Coke? Coke. But really, Polar Orange Dry--but I don't get it out here. Or Moxie. (Which is why I drink Dr. Pepper--it's almost Moxie.)

24. Beavers or Ducks? Otters?

25. Are you a morning person or night owl? Night Owl

26. Pedicure or Manicure? Pedicure

27. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share? The major fundraising group for the school district has invited a circus to come to town, and I'm stuffing both hands in my mouth. Really am conflicted about them setting up here--have too many detailed questions to ask about tent security, insurance, lot management, ticket surcharges, etc.

28. What did you want to be when you were little? A teacher. A veterinarian. (My parents told me that wasn't a good enough ideal--they wanted me to become a brain surgeon. Wha?)

29. What is your best childhood memory? Having tuna salad sandwiches with my grandmother on her back lawn, pretending that we were dining at a very fawncy restaurant.

30. Ever been toilet papering? Absolutely not.

31. Been in a car accident? Yep.

32. Favorite restaurant? Umm. Doyle's Bar in Boston. Pho Pasteur in Chinatown. Cafe La Med in Berkeley.

33. Favorite flower? Really spicy or tea-scented roses.

34. Favorite ice cream? Coffee Heath Bar Crunch

35. Favorite fast food restaurant? In and Out Burger? I think? Maybe?

36. How many times did you fail your drivers test? None.

37. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? I don't shop that much. Maybe Bed Bath and Beyond? I have this thing for lots of perfectly matched towels and expensive sheet sets. But then I could go crazy in a pet supply place too. Or a bookstore, obviously.

38. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?I dunno. I lifted this from everyone else who's been doing it (Cindy, Kristie, Doug, SexKitten, etc.). I'm late to the party.

39. Last person you went to dinner with? Dear Butcher? I really don't remember, to be honest. But I'm thinking that if it were dinner then Dear Butcher was there. Lunch? Different story. A board member and the Superintendent.

40. How many tattoos do you have? None. But I wouldn't mind getting one.

41. How many people are you sending this to? Quoting Doug's response on this question: "None. Or many. Depends on your point of view."

42. What time did you finish this e-mail? 9:15 am

43. Favorite magazine? Atlantic Monthly. Harper's. Knitter's. Saveur.

44. If you could meet any famous person, who would it be? Chris Rock.

45. If you could choose another first name, what would it be? Oh dear. I kind of already did that when I started the blog, didn't I? I like Shushan (which means Lily). I like variations on Catherine and Christine too.

46. If you could change your profession right now, what would you be doing? Speech writer for a politician. Successful (HA! HA!) barn owner. (It never happens.)

Law of Unintended Consequences

OK, this makes me laugh.

Conserve electricity, folks. It's vital. We'll even give you rebates and such to encourage conservation.

OOPS! You did that so well, that now we have to raise rates. Doh!

Toronto Hydro seeks rate hike as consumers cut usage
Last Updated: Thursday, March 22, 2007 | 3:49 PM ET
CBC News

The popularity of energy conservation programs is hurting Toronto Hydro's bottom line and the utility is now seeking to raise electricity rates as a result.

However, the company is urging people to continue to conserve, because otherwise there might be even larger expenses to pass on to customers. To meet extra demand, for example, it would cost more to upgrade aging infrastructure.

"It's important to the electrical grid and certainly to the province, air quality and all of that that we push this aggressively," Toronto Hydro-Electric System Ltd. spokesman Blair Peberdy said Thursday.

Toronto Hydro-Electric System Ltd. has applied for a rate increase of 6.3 per cent on May 1 to recover a $10.4-million drop in revenue.

If approved, customers using about 1,000 kilowatt hours per month would see an increase of $2.07 on their bills, the utility says.

That's about equal to the amount an average household saved thanks to conservation efforts. Peberdy says the average home cut their electricity bills by $25 a year by using less hydro.
The utility blames the revenue loss on the success of conservation programs over the past two years and the cost of buying and installing thousands of smart meters.

Peberdy said the province and regulators recognize the dilemma facing utilities: conservation is "needed desperately" but "eroding" the revenues of utilities, leaving them struggling to provide reliable electricity.

The utility says electricity loads in the city fell by 178.5 million kilowatt hours — enough to power 178,000 homes for a month — between spring 2005 and the end of 2006.

Faith Mountain

Cue the Heavenly Chorus.

I opened my package of coupons which come in the mail every week, the ones for new windows, muffler jobs, and driveway concrete colorization services, and found this flyer for a new Thomas Kinkade Collectable, Faith Mountain.

First, what the picture above does not represent is that it Lights Up. Yes, folks, it runs on 3 AA batteries (not included) or an AC adapter. Second, the breathless ad copy is just as horrific as the mountain itself.

For the first time...

Italics AND ellipses. Wow.

now the story of Christ's glorious ascension into the Kingdom of Heaven comes vividly to life in a three-dimensional masterpiece presented by the Painter of Lighttm.

Ummm. There's so many terrible ideas coming together in that one sentence.

For the first time ever the story of Christ is presented? Yeah. Never heard it before, or watched it on TV, or read about it, or saw a movie of it.

Oh. Maybe it's: for the first time the story vividly comes to life. This reminds me of the great Flanders and Swann comment about Hi-Fidelity: "This will recreate the sensation of having a full concert orchestra actually playing IN your living room. Not that I'd want a full concert orchestra actually playing IN my living room, but the concept's the thing." Do I really want the entire story of Christ's ascension brought vividly to life right here in my very own house? Ought to create some commentary from the neighbors.

Maybe the meaning is: For the first time Thomas Kinkade has taken a crack at recreating the Easter story in three dimensions. To which I can only reply, "Can't say that I much care, but I am intrigued by the use of batteries."

The website doesn't show the detail views, but on the flyer we see various closeups. Here is Jesus on his knees before a woman as he labors under the weight of the cross. Here he is riding into Jerusalem on a donkey. (But they have no palm fronds. Wha?) Here is his empty cross. And look, there he is all angeley on the top of the mountain with a light cascading over his shoulders from above. (Neat trick that, to have the mountain glow from the 3 AA batteries but also come from ABOVE the sculpture too. Oh wait, is that a studio trick? Gosh.)

I had to read the entire copy, and then I had to call my Mom to read it to her. My mother, the Ph.D., who once taught at Harvard Divinity School and is the family expert on Bible history and Biblical Archaeology. My mother who used to collect horrible cookbooks found at flea markets. (Each had to include at least one recipe for some abomination which required both Corn Flakes and Avocado to be part of the collection.) Not only can you not SEE the image of him dying on the cross, but you have to wade through this:

The Faith Mountain illuminated Masterpiece Edition is entirely hand-crafted and hand-painted featuring over thirteen meticulously detailed and dramatic scenes including 45 sculpted figurines. (Commas cost extra?) As you turn the fully sculptural Faith Mountain around, you'll see the inspiring story unfold before your eyes. (You already electrified the thing. No turntable?) From His riding into Jerusalem to His betrayal and trial to His dying on the cross and ultimately His triumph over the grave, the Hawthorne exclusive is a true testatment to Jesus' love, faith and strength. (Testatment? Mean you Testament, Khemosabi? If I knew what a "testatment" was, I might very well agree with you that this IS a true testament to all of the above.)

Members of the intelligentsia that we are, we guffawed at the schlock of the whole thing, all the while saying, "Who BUYS this crap? Why does it Light UP?"

Mom came up with the best answer.

According to her, what they are not telling you is that the light bulb is no ordinary twenty watt bulb. No, this one is imbued with Christ's healing power. If you get really close to Faith Mountain and stare right at it for a few days on end, the sculpture is guaranteed to heal Seasonal Affective Disorder. That's why it has a money-back guarantee attached.

When my Dad was a kid, the president of his boarding school told the boys that they were in for a rare treat as a renowned group of evangelists would be visiting the school that very weekend. They dressed for the occasion in their "dress pinks" and Sam Browne belts, expecting the usual morning-long sermon, hymns, and healings. (My father was personally saved by Billy Graham under similar circumstances. I think it didn't quite take hold.) When they got to the auditorium, the preachers had drawn three fluorescent crosses on the blackboard with colored chalk. My Dad remembers the center cross as being bright pink. After the boys filed in and sat down, they participated in a shared prayer. Then the preachers broke out three musical saws and started playing favorite hymns to the politely astonished group of teen aged boys, all of whom had been brought up to regard preachers with the greatest respect and dignity.

My Mom says that Faith Mountain must be the Musical Saw version of the Pieta.

Gotta go with that interpretation. After all, she has the degree.

I think we are both going straight to Hell. Do not pass Go. Do not collect two hundred dollars.