Thursday, September 15, 2005

Bone Tired

I am bone tired.

I wish I could say that I were coming down with a cold. Or that I didn't sleep well. Or that it's a familiar depression, because it's not that.

If I were more awake I could maybe find something better than that old chiche, bone tired. But this morning, it's resonating with me. The sound of it, Bown, feels right. The weight in my back, not on it, but deep inside my shoulders and back, below the muscles, is tiring. My head feels too large for my neck. And I keep thinking, "Bone tired. Tired in the bones. Bones which make you tired. So tired it lives in the bones. Bone tired."

It's not depression, I've become an expert in ferreting out the first signs of a depressive attack. My vision goes kind of grey, and I get this weird tunnel-vision, zoom out, dolly out kind of contraction where the thing I'm looking at suddenly gets very very small and I seem to be acres away. My mind keeps telling me all the things I should be doing, but somehow everything is fuzzy. I can't decide anything, and my body feels thick and fuzzy too. I lose the ability to name things: "Can you hand me the, the thing? No. The long thing with the brushie things on the bottom? Right. The Broom." I never feel fully tired and I never feel fully awake. Just fuzzy.

This morning is not that--but in a scary way, it would be OK if it were that. I would know what to do. Obviously, if I could go back to bed, then maybe a nap would help. But I'm not sure. I think this morning is stress and fear.

I'm in a fight, and deep down I know I'm doing "the right thing." I've been fighting this thing quietly, sometimes respectfully, and sometimes cattily for two years. This week though there have been veiled threats made to a colleague, including feces and swastikas, and not to long ago I received an anonymous letter asking that I move out of town.

I don't want to make this into a mystery novel, "If you never hear from me again, be sure to use this safe deposit key and there you will find the name of the killer." We're not anywhere near that level of intrigue or danger. But it does make me tired.

Bone tired.

3 comments:

CindyS said...

Oh Suisan. I hope you feel better real soon. As I was reading you blog I was as excited as I seem to be able to get right now. I am in some sort of funk. 3 days now I have slept for 14 hours at a time and wake up wishing I could just stay asleep. I have to get up because my back aches probably from not moving and I have a headache. I considered whether it was depression and have noticed that my anxiety is flirting on the outer edges of my mind. I wish I could figure it out. I'm one of those people who sometimes reacts after others have so I am wondering if this is the aftermath of Katrina, working at the reno house, and the obvious loss of summer. I'm so not ready for another winter.

Sorry, I hope I didn't bring you down further. As for threats of any kind, they are horribly upsetting but people asking you to leave your home? I might consider police action on that. Oh, and get loud. Someone oiled up my car one night and I stood in the middle of the street yelling that'd I'd find the *&%^$. Bob had to shush me and tell me it was alright. Hell no, it's not alright! Whoops, getting my dander up - thinking of you and hoping things get better.

CindyS

Suisan said...

Actually, writing about it made me feel better.

I kept thinking of it as fear--but that seemed too strong--I think it is anxiety.

I did get loud about the letter. See, twice a month I sit in a public meeting which is locally broadcast. I started off the meeting w/a speech about how nasty things had become. Especially nasty form the folks who disagree with me, and who keep saying publicly that there should be no minority vote--there should be "unity" in these tough times. So then I read the letter.

There were gasps from the audience.

And I closed by saying that I don't hate anyone--I simply don't agree with a vote. The people who disagree with me are the ones who are making this personal. If we could stop throwing words around like unity, elitism, and divisiveness, and have a conversation, then this system would work. I don't think I changed many minds, but I'm pretty sure I pointed I that I wasn't packing my bags.

CindyS said...

You go, girl!! I keep forgetting that you can take care of yourself. I think you are definitely stronger than I am and well spoken.

Good on you.

CindyS